The cost of a criminal trial is related to the gravity of the offence, the number of lawyers involved and, most crucially, the weight of documentation required “Ban the photocopier,” says one lawyer. “The length of cases is due to the volume of paper generated.” The paper chase, of course, can lead to a team of lawyers, who receive a large slice of the money spent. The Lord Chancellor’s Department and Inland Revenue, however, have recently introduced “live-time computer transcription” at a fraud trial at Suffolk Crown Court, which is instantly accessible by all legal players. So far, the introduction of IT is saving the court a day a week. But, aside from being worried about whether justice will be served to the likes of Fred and Rosemary West, the public is most concerned about the cost to the taxpayer The Legal Aid tally has escalated over the past 10 years.

It was pounds 44.5 million in 1987 to 1988, compared with pounds 133.6 million last year. Crown court running costs per day Building, pounds 2,450; judiciary, jury and staff expenses, assuming that there is a single defendant with Legal Aid, pounds 3,450; prison service, pounds 800; probation services, pounds 300; police, pounds 350
Legal expenses Private defence team per day, depending on the calibre and number of lawyers, three-person estimate, pounds 6,000; Lord Chancellor Department’s average prosecution costs per day, including witnesses, pounds 1,450; judge’s monthly salary, about pounds 7,500Presenting a DNA case in court Depends on the amount of hair and blood samples involved. About $30,000 (pounds 17,860) was spent on DNA analysis and presentation for the OJ Simpson trial. Including overhead and laboratory space, UK estimate per day, pounds 1,550Extras Transatlantic first-class ticket to avoid paparazzi should there be a high-profile acquittal (but better to hold out for last-minute upgrade), pounds 2,731; family travel expenses, pounds 400 each; housing rental per month if defendant is on bail and from out of town, pounds 500; festive dance in aid of defence (Louise Woodward’s fund held a Valentine’s Day dance) including fruit punch, streamers, town hall rental and banners, pounds 400Total expenditure for a four-week criminal trial: pounds 338,931. Joel Goncalves is an art director at John Frieda and does session hairdressing for magazines and fashion shows

“This is the basic kit, which would cover any eventuality at a show or shoot. The cigar case (1) was a present from a friend who thought it would make a great holder for my scissors; I’ve had it for 20 years.

You need lots of different tongs (2) depending on the look you want. Small ones give a frizzy effect, and the large ones a Madonna look. I used the hairpiece (3) on a recent job, as we needed to give the model’s hair some extra body I listen to my Walkman (4) everywhere I usually listen to a CD until it gets on my nerves. A friend bought me the new Stone Roses for my birthday so I’m listening to that at the moment. I’ve been trying to read this Aldous Huxley book (5) for quite a while I’m determined to get through it. I have a few different types of scissors but I like my Osaka ones (6) the best.

They are by no means the most expensive – some scissors cost over a thousand pounds. I’m particularly fond of Japanese scissors, but that’s just me.”
Interview by Aoife O’RiordainPhotograph by Darren Regnier. You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, nor can you teach your grandmother to suck them. That first little axiom seems fair enough, though there may be ways of getting round it. (You could, I suppose, get your grandmother to gob into an omelette pan, but I doubt that appears as a top tip in Delia’s How to Cook.) But what’s so difficult about the second one? Why should instructing an aged relative in the art of albumen extraction be considered such an impossibility? Isn’t it time this proverb was altered to something a bit more demanding? You can’t teach your grandmother to trainsurf, perhaps. Or you can’t teach your grandmother to disprove the Taniyama-Shimura Conjecture Now that would be a challenge. So I’m not anticipating much trouble with this week’s mission.

Deciding which of my grandmothers should be on the receiving end of this lesson is going to be the hard part. The first contender is Edie Sweet, 78, former Wren and priest’s housekeeper, now in a wheelchair and living in a convent in Hull. The second contender is Marjorie Johnson, 82, retired comptometrix, pork crackling enthusiast, scourge of the Daily Express Trackword, and often favourably compared to Merle Oberon.
Since I can’t really see the nuns approving this project, I think Marjorie is my best bet. And she has her own theory about the meaning of the expression.”Older people haven’t any teeth, and it was easy for them to go [makes sucking noise] If you’ve got teeth in the way, that’s much more difficult. You can’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs because she already knows how to do it.”"So you’re an expert at this, then?”"No, I’ve never done it before.”"Well, neither have I.”"Yes, well.