I would learn that Bob Smith, like so many of the men Jonathan and I had interviewed during our research on violence, had experienced his share of bar-room brawls; the bridge of his nose had taken the brunt of several of them Still, he projected a combination of strength and charm. He was obviously at ease as he popped open a can of beer from his six-pack and handed it to me. He then opened a can for himself and settled into his chair.I began. “How does what you do affect you?” The response was quick and sure.”It don’t In no way.”I was speechless What he said didn’t make sense. I thought back to my husband’s question to the serial killer William Bonin, a man who had tortured and killed more than a dozen young boys.

My husband Mel had listened for two hours as I interviewed Bonin. Just before ending the session, I turned to Mel, who was seated behind me, and asked if he had any questions.”As a matter of fact I do,” Mel answered in his elegant, soft-spoken English way. “What are your feelings when you do those things?” (My husband was referring to the torture and murder of the young boys.)Bonin paused. He thought and thought, then asked, warily, “Is that a trick question?”But that was different. Bonin was a serial murderer, a man who picked up unsuspecting young boys on the highway, squeezed their genitals, raped them, and strangled them. Bonin remembered nothing of the sexual perversions to which he had been subjected as a boy. We had to rely on his mother’s memory and on the records of orphanages and hospitals and correctional schools to learn what had happened to him.

That he had blocked out all memory of his childhood, as well as all feelings relating to his atrocious acts, was not all that surprising Killers do that But I expected Bob Smith to be different He had nothing to hide, nothing to forget. It was inconceivable to me that Bob Smith was untouched by his job.I paused, thinking of the other man I had known who had killed that many people and more, Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy told me that for a time he was able to satisfy his violent, sexual impulses by looking at pictures, reading books, and masturbating. Then for a period of years he abducted and raped young women In the beginning he did not kill. However, once he murdered – once he crossed that boundary, violated that taboo – killing got easier and easier. I remember asking him: “Why didn’t you get help? See a psychiatrist?”"I thought about it But by then it was too late They would have told,” he answered He knew there was something wrong with him.